In The Right Now

I am turning 40 on Saturday, this strange number that doesn’t seem right. I feel like I haven’t been in this world that long most days though there are days that have made me feel like I’ve been here forever. Life and time can be so relative but I don’t want to write a blog today about my regrets. I’ve had plenty. I want to write a blog today about today. We don’t always have to look backward to learn our lessons. And we don’t always have to look forward to giving ourselves value. Sometimes we can stop, take a minute, and let today sink in. I left work early today because there wasn’t a lot to do. I’m good with that. It allows me this time to myself while the husband and kid are at work to sit here, at this moment, listening to Simon and Garfunkel’s “Flowers Never Bend”. It allows me time to be still. So often we get all wound up when our birthdays come around. We start thinking about if this where we wanted to be. We become so hard on ourselves when we’re not where we want to be at all. So, then we barrade ourselves into making all these plans, these promises of all the things we’re going to change. But you know what? So often we’re just blowing smoke up on our own ass (pardon my french). I don’t mean to be crude. Birthdays are just like New Year’s. We see all the things we need to change but forget to appreciate what we are right now. Right now is just as beautiful as yesterday and can be just as bright as tomorrow.

Let’s break my right now down. I will be honest, as honest as I can be. I am not where I want to be. I don’t have the job I want. I don’t have the financial stability I want. I don’t have a lot of things I want. I constantly have a feeling of boredom and wanting just more. I don’t see my friends enough. I don’t see my family enough. I am exhausted most of the time but not because I do anything that exciting. I’m exhausted because too much of my life hurts and feels like a struggle. The inner demons that bounce around my head kick my ass on a daily basis. Some days it takes everything I got to get out of bed. I mean everything. I wish my kid would clean up after herself. I wish my husband would get that full time. I wish my artwork would sell. I feel like my life is an uphill battle. As soon as I conquer one rock slide, a mudslide comes right behind it. I feel like I am suffocating. I had some dental work done last week. For the last four years, I haven’t smiled, not in a way I would allow you to see. I kept my mouth closed as tightly as I could and I trained my hands to cover my face when I laughed or cried or screamed and especially when I smiled. I was embarrassed by what was happening in there. And though people have been kind to tell me they did not notice, I did. I did so much. And for the last four years, I struggled to deal with it because I never want to be a bother. I never want my life to be a bother to anyone else and that is a hard burden to carry but I do and I will and I doubt that will ever change.

I didn’t go down that rabbit hole because I want pity. I went down it because at 40 I am not where I want to be but it doesn’t matter. Right now, right now in this moment, I am where I need to be. I remember sitting in that dentist chair after they had removed my cyst and asking in my numbed, groggy state if it was gone. And I remember I instantly cried because I was so happy (and then almost choked on the suck-age cup). At that moment, I knew I could smile again without shame and without fear that the person sitting next to me would judge. I am not a vain person but not being able to smile leaves a hole in your heart. I didn’t know how much I missed it until it came back. And every moment since that day, I cherish the moments that have followed. I can look at my job and understand that it is just a pit stop. This moment won’t last. I can appreciate the lessons we have learned dealing with a lower income, the ways we have learned to save and survive and appreciate each other. I can stop and look at my 18-year-old daughter and love this time of her life because it will be gone before we both know it. My husband will become something even better than he is right now and one day I will make a living doing what I love. Those things are just not right now.

What is right now is me sitting here on a Thursday afternoon while the sun shines bright outside and Meatloaf sings to me that he would do anything for love. What I see right now are two napping kitties and Christmas lights that I refuse to take down in my living room. I am turning 40 and maybe parts of my life still feel a little off. I don’t dress as I should. My sense of humor is too dark for some. And honestly, life is just funny. We live our lives, striving for all these different things and never appreciating what is right in front of us. I hope that when my time to fly comes I will remember all of these moments sitting in a corner, writing or drawing, wondering when it will happen for me. I hope I will never forget how important it is to be humble and kind. It is so easy to get swept away. It is so easy to forget who we are because we change so often. And right now, maybe I’m not fond of all my surroundings. But right now? I am really loving this version of who I am. My twenties were a daze. My thirties have been a challenging pleasure. My forties? I’ll figure that version out tomorrow.

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